Self-Esteem and Valuing (My)Self

Unedited essay by Ada J. Raven

Photo by Chela B. on Unsplash

I tune in and out of the audiobook playing through my headphones.

My bank account, still based in the U.S., is dwindling. It’s under 4 digits for the first time in months, and I can’t work yet to build it back up.

The first time in 2 years without a steady paycheck… this is scary.

To LinkedIn I went, browsing jobs I think I’d have a shot at.

I used to work for a mortgage broker, so I know I have experience.

But the colloquialisms and descriptors throw me… how do I search for a job I’m qualified to do?

Everything is different here. But it’s similar enough that I should eventually be able to get it.

I’m still worried, though. I have trouble understanding the accents, even though their language is also my language, and I wonder if it’s because I need to get used to them or if I’m stupid.

“…or if I’m stupid.” God, what a horrible thing to say about yourself, even if just in your mind.

It’s hard; I don’t always catch myself.

And at some point, I realize I’m looking for jobs within my previous industry but under a different country’s standards. My English contacts gave me the impression that American finance doesn’t translate well in England.

Not professional contacts, mind you. I don’t even think they work in the English finance industry themselves. But something in me fears they might be right, so I approach the job postings with reluctant skepticism.

I was a processor, but only a junior processor, so I guess I’m more of a mortgage assistant than a broker? Since brokers are responsible for carrying the loans, not originating them. I can manage third parties and review documents as easily as breathing, but what if they want someone who’s a little more… well, more?

So while I’m confident in what I did when I was doing it, I am less so now. As much as I need a minimum of £20,000 per annum, I wonder if my skills and intellect are truly deserving of that.

I know I’m not terminally unique in this regard, but seriously, how weird is it to think of yourself like this, to talk to yourself this way?

I’m hoping one day I can break this habit. It will start with building confidence.

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Classical Singer & Amateur Prose Writer

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Ada J. Raven

Ada J. Raven

Classical Singer & Amateur Prose Writer

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