‘Hitting bottom’… a phrase used to explain the worst moment of your life. The point where you can’t possibly sink any further.
Lately, I’ve been wondering if that’s possible. How can we, with our finite brains, predict the infinite ways in which life can get worse?
I’m not sure we can.
Maybe it’s depressing to say. I’m between therapists at the moment, so maybe I’m in an existential crisis I would otherwise not be experiencing.
But sometimes it feels like I’m coasting — too low to be high and too high to be low. Purgatory; Limbo; eternal wandering. Whatever.
I almost prefer myself in pictures to real life. At least in pictures I can hold a smile that maintains an illusion of happiness.
Sometimes I am happy. I think. But a lot of the time I’m pasting it on.
I feel a lot of things, and at the same time nothing at all. Probably because I feel so much all the time that it’s like a dull roar that never goes away.
Like tinnitus or chronic back pain… it never totally goes away, but eventually you’re numb to it. So you learn to hide it.
I find it hard to write sometimes for that reason. So many of my interactions require the mask.
Not lying; more like hiding. Hiding the parts of myself that are too dark or sad for the people I love.
It’s a love-hate relationship I have with myself. Part of me is used to being a victim… it’s comfortable. People leave you alone, mostly. They bug you to see if you’re ok, sure, but they don’t really push you to do things.
But for the most part I just feel awful. Like I’m bringing people down with me. So when I have to interact with people, I will hype myself up and even be a clown to keep people smiling.
Some of it is me living vicariously. But I’m also doing penance, if you will, for feeling like such an energy-sucker.
Anyway, I needed to write this…
Writing is the only way I know how to effectively communicate my feelings.
At least, that’s what I believe.
Sorry this wasn’t the optimistic, keep-your-chin-up stuff people often post about mental illness. But it’s the best I could do right now.
Hopefully it makes someone feel less alone <3.